How the DA can win the 2014 general election

Listen up Helen, I’m givin’ ya pearls here!

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Drewan Baird. Oudtshoorn. 20 April 2013. 11h45. No political party will ever win an election in South Africa for the next century or so without promising the poor what they can’t have. Period.

The temporary cleaner, Lindiwe, sharing a leaking shack without running water and electricity with her jobless, alky husband and pregnant junior high daughter and four potential juvenile delinquents sired by her illegitimate son serving time for rape will vote for the party who promises her a house and a job. Period.

Lindiwe does not care about the R125,874.73 the mayor used to buy gifts for his wife and children and mistresses and friends while on that fact finding mission to China that cost the ratepayers R867,932.58.

Lindiwe couldn’t be bothered with the potholes in Leafy Borough that the DA councillor forces on every council agenda.

Lindiwe doesn’t much care whether Helen Zille broke the Steve Biko murder story, or about the student life of Wilmot James – who?

And if Lindiwe does not get her house and a job within the next five years, she’ll accept that it’s really Apartheid’s fault and that cloud-cuckoo-land is about to emerge around her as long as she does not vote for party that may bring back Apartheid.

Not even the twisted twaddle of the “Untold Story” will interest Lindiwe. I scorn this “Untold Story” – click here for my commentary on the story.

Lindiwe wants a house and a job and whomever promises her that will get her vote.

You question my logic?

For crying in a bucket, how do you think preachers keep their churches full!?

The Lindiwes of our land hold the balance of power. Period.

Lie, and your chances to win elections increase wonderfully.

The ANC lies as it breathes. No, that is not a generalisation. It is also not farfetched. I give you CAR; Marikana; Nkandla. And that’s just the latest stuff. And not even everything current.

The DA has come along in strides of the recent past, however.

In Eden Helen Zille’s promises in the December 2012 Bitou by-election speaks to the point. What am I saying, it howls to the point!

The “Untold Story” of the “Know Your DA” Campaign clearly indicates that the DA has developed a strong, natural turn for prevarication and is improving its chances of victory at the ballot box in strides dwarfing such of tripple jump world champion Olha Saladuha. (I am referring to the female champ in the name of gender equality.)

The DA’s die-cast disingenuousness displayed in the twisted tommyrot of its “Untold Story”, gears it for unimaginable success next year.

Politicians. Its the one “profession” where lying is simply non-negotiable. And I am not being cantankerous, cross-grained or contrarious here – no politician can keep constituents happy and loyal by speaking to only one half of concerns! It’s not really a moral or ethical issue; its more like a mathematical and statistical matter.

Here’s a little gem, from way back when:

Finance Week reported on March 17, 1983, “Some years ago the then Minister of Bantu Administration, Mr. M. C. Botha, faithfully promised the whites of Port St Johns that their town would not be included in an independent Transkei. When the map of Transkei was drawn for independence Port St Johns was included. When challenged with his earlier statement, Botha retorted that he didn’t mean ‘promise’ in the ‘ordinary sense of the word’.”

The DA should lay claim to M. C. Botha in its heritage without delay – before the ANC does so!

How to win in 2014: Just keep on lyin’.

Twitter commentators have risen to the occasion and the indefatigable Chester Missing tweeted: “The problem with the term #KnowYourDA is it sounds like a genital disease awareness campaign. Are you DA positive? Protect your family, and get tested.”

I am a healthy Saffer: I is DA negative AND ANC negative, I is!

*It was my all time favourite actor, in his best role outside of the Godfather trilogy; Dog Day Afternoon; and In Justice for All, Al Pacino, whose character, Col Frank Slade, in Scent of a Woman, told his minder, Charlie: “ Are you listenin’ to me, son? I’m givin’ ya pearls here!” He also said, “I lied.”

• 1990. Maclennan, Ben. Apartheid The Lighter Side. Chameleon Press. Plumstead. 51.

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8 thoughts on “How the DA can win the 2014 general election

  1. The problem is not so much in finding the truth. The problem is usually more in recognising the truth as the truth, especially when it contradicts one’s perceptions.

  2. Tony. I only noticed your comment now. I’m not sure if I understand your comment/question, or if it even is a question. Winston Churchill said: “The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.”
    To get to the truth is not that easy. I always start by eliminating the lies, but there’s no magic formula. I believe however that the search for truth is sometimes more precious than its possession. You are welcome to ask Drewan for my contact number so that I may hear from you what exactly you tried to say to me.

  3. @Hardy Mills…
    This we know, thing is to find a way to get the “truth” out. Problem is, and always will be, what ‘is’ the “truth” and who’s truth is it. You see (to me) truth is not just about the absence of untruth, it’s about motive, agenda and meta-truth. So, if you want to tell the truth (I’ve dispensed with the “”, as you can tell, cause we all know it by now and as dr phil says and as Fritz (my employee constantly reminds me – you either “get it” or you don’t! (I wonder if he’s trying to tell me something – you think?) anyway, let’s talk – tachlis. Tachlis is a yiddish word which sort of translates to (essence, substance; worth; basics, “brass tacks”). What truth do you have to tell, Hardy Mills?

  4. Ek was gisteraand by ‘n verjaardag-ete waar hierdie berig wyd bespreek is. Die gasheer het die berig gaan druk en die gasvrou het dit op haar bekende dramatiese, welluidende stem voorgelees.

    Die lagbuie het die voorlesing gereeld onderbreek en mense het gevra dat sekere gedeeltes weer gelees word.

    Maar in die bespreking daarna is daar min gelag.

    En DA-ondersteuners, STOERE DA-ondersteuners, het lelike dinge oor die party te sê gehad. DA-leiers, wat aan die meeste van die gaste persoonlik bekend is, het sleg deurgeloop.

    Die een vraag wat gereeld gestel is, is waarom die hoofstroom media nie sulke rubrieke publiseer nie.

    Welgedaan Drewan. Jou onophoudelike blootleggings en blykbaar onuitputlike energie het invloed. Doe zo voort! Doe zo voort.

  5. The reason politicians lie is because the public does not want to hear the truth. People want to hear what they want to believe. They don’t want to venture out of their comfort zone. It’s almost like a woman that sees all the evidence that her husband is having an affair, but simply refuses to believe it. The reality and consequences of the truth is just too much to bear.
    There are far to few Fact-checkers (like O!O). If lies are going to be repeated, the truth needs to be, too.
    Whoever gets elected today is an accomplished liar. Lying, along with a capacity for backbiting, obfuscation, and double-dealing, is, in fact, actual job qualifications for politicians.
    No-one has any desire to let politicians lie to them, yet it seems to be perfectly acceptable in these parts of the woods. Maybe it’s because people feel that there’s no viable alternative anyway.
    George Orwell was spot-on when he said the following:
    “Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.”

  6. Goodness me Drewan.
    Start a party.
    We can then duet African jazz, not American African jazz,and saki saki langarm all night long
    We dance to our own tunes you know, while
    We consume Kentucky and McDonald’s and wistle elvis and mourn Marilyn Munro. With any coke
    And we long for an intimate photo of Hendrik French Verwoerd embracing Helene Zille.

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