Enough already with the noise and the smell

Let’s clean Oudtshoorn up!

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Oudtshoorn. 5 November 2012. 08h15. I demand the peace and serenity that is my right as a resident of a small rural municipality off the beaten track!

I call on the traffic authorities to impound all vehicles incessantly passing my residence off Buitekant Street. These cars pass so close to my house that when I stand on a tomato box and per over the gate I can recognise the features of the drivers and the passengers. And those motorbikes! The drivers, obviously conspiring, wear helmets covering their faces to avoid recognition!

The trucks passing on Voortrekker Road can be heard for miles! I don’t want to hear those air brakes of an evening at the braai! It must stop.

I suspect organised trucking is conspiring to eventually block the entrances from Calitzdorp, Mossel Bay, George and Beaufort West to increase local shelf prices of household goods for their own sinister profit advantage!

And the smell!

I want the abattoir, the tannery, PSP, the sewerage plant and the winery closed down expeditiously. I did not move to Oudtshoorn to be stunk out by a conspiracy of olfactory wise guys intent on driving property prices down so they could buy up the town and sell it to the highest bidder for personal gain!

And these confounded guest houses! There are too many in Oudtshoorn! People randomly register guest houses to avoid personal income tax and some only have a mother-in-law sleep over once a year to write off personal household expense! And the traffic these establishments generate in the residential areas is unwanted! It is noisy and the carbon footprint hovers like a giant spoor over the entire town!

The tour buses! There are far too many! They congest Langenhoven Road and cause damage to the sandstone monuments. Oudtshoorn can do without the tour buses! I did not move to Oudtshoorn to be hassled by tourists – mostly foreign ones no doubt spying for their governments with a view to undermine our way of life.

I want the Infantry School relocated to Calitzdorp or Prince Albert. I did not move to Oudtshoorn to be awakened at 4 a.m. to the sound of cantillating garrisons loping through the streets while their mates explode mortars in yonder hills exciting dogs to bark unremittingly and affright the sons and daughters of ibis into an early squawk.

The continuous building in my area must stop. Close down Pennypinchers and revoke the licenses of builders who saw and knock and instruct from dawn to dusk and drive me up my established walls.

And the garden services! The growling mowers up and down my street drive me nuts. The smell of petrol and oil and the whining of the edge cutters are enough to drive one dotty!

And then: The orchestrated Chinese invasion that started some years ago with the odd downtown vendor dealing cheap radios and watches and is currently working up a head of steam even with an air force droning the last life out of me must surely rank as one of the most obvious threats to our Christian way of life!

And if the aircraft aren’t enough it now has become known that a mutation of the avian influenza virus, H5N2-and a half, is seeing chickens fly in Taiwan and Vietnam. This means that ostriches will be flying by 2014. Imagine that! White dielectric material* all over our houses and gardens and cars. Imagine being struck by scat from on high! Just imagine!

And how will the flight school aircraft communicate with flying ostriches!? How, I ask!

The good news is that the Chinese are developing a microchip that can be implanted in ostriches to steer the birds away from inanimate fly machines. The unit is provisionally known as the Cucprate Supreme Mark I.

And those church bells on Sundays! Unacceptable! We all of us have watches and alarms to warn us of Sundays and sermon times!

Quiet!

Quiet, I say!

Well, it is clear that while, thanks to KKI, we can’t smell it anymore, there is no reason we can speak it anymore!

On August 20, the Business Chamber Chair, André van Greuenen, asked Oudtshoorn, in a media release, to stand together:

Oudtshoorn staan op die drumpel van sukses; die Sakekamer vra dat al Oudtshoorn se mense sal saamstaan om hierdie sukses te help verwesenlik en dat niemand iets sal doen wat die volhoubare lewensvatbaarheid van ondernemings kan benadeel nie!

Please, people of Oudtshoorn! Get the facts straight. Stop whinging and let’s work together to solve issues.

And purleaze, let go, purleaze, of the old wives tales!

*In 1965, two young radio astronomers, Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson, could not get rid of an unrelenting, steady, steamy hiss coming from a large Bell Laboratories communications antenna they were using at Holmdel, New Jersey. They even scrubbed off the “white dielectic material” (commonly known as bird shit) from the dish – but to no avail. The excellent denouément is that the hissing eventually proved to be cosmic background radiation left over from the Big Bang. The serendipitous discovery won Penzias and Wilson the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1978. (2003. Bryson, Bill. A Short History of Nearly Everything. Doubleday. London. 10-12.)

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